Yesterday I went to a meeting at a church where I saw Julia Sweeney’s “Letting Go of God.” This was the second time I have seen it. I saw this a few years ago back in Virginia. This time it was different.
Last time I was not facing my own mortality. As my health continues to spiral downward, I have no idea how much time I have left. As I watched this, I realized I was asking the same questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going? And of course the big one, what will happen to me after I die?
I realized also that losing my belief in God meant I didn’t believe in anything. I thought that was profoundly sad. Was I to go to my grave with a belief in … nothing? I didn’t want that.
I don’t want that.
One thing I have in my favor is that I have already made my mark on the world. I have changed it for the better just a little bit and that is enough for me because it is better than most people get to do. I kept a lower profile than Temple (and that was by design), so I am not sure I will even be remembered. That’s okay. I did it, and that is enough. I have made a contribution. Whether I die today, tomorrow, or ten or twenty years from now, my life has had meaning. I don’t need to think it has not.
Acknowledging that and setting it aside (a comforting thing to do), what exactly do I believe in? I pondered this as I was putting the wheels in the car in the parking lot to go home. Do I have any beliefs? Is there anything I know I truly believe in? Is there anything I have faith in? If it isn’t God, then what is it?
I drove out of the church and pondered this. If one has a faith, does it have to be in the supernatural? Must you believe in a god of some description to have faith? Or can you maybe believe in something else? And if I believe in something else, then what is it?
As I was turning onto 315 N, it came to me. Yes, there is something I believe in. I believe in connection. I believe in community. I believe that a relationship with another, whether romantic or platonic, can be magical.
Do I believe in magic? That was my next question. I decided maybe I do – if I can find a definition that works for me. It won’t be Jeanie or Samantha. I do believe in illusion, but illusion is not magic. Illusion is physics. That’s why I can believe in it. Because I believe in the value of science. Always asking questions, never giving up, following what we know to be the truth, wherever it leads – whether we like it or not. What is actually real is more important than what we want to be real. I believe that as well.
I believe in kindness and compassion. I believe things like where you are from, who you love, or the color of your skin – all of these things, while they are important, they are all on the surface. Underneath all of that, we are all the same.
We don’t need a border wall. We don’t need laws prohibiting gay marriage. We don’t need to yell at the poor that they are lazy and fraudulent. What we do need is to understand that we are not all the same and that is okay. We need to be celebrating the beautiful and wondrous diversity of humanity.
Some people, many people, are unable to do this. They are so busy screaming that gays and immigrants are going to hell that they have forgotten how to love their neighbor.
That’s something else I believe in – loving my neighbor. Not because Jesus said so, but because it is the right thing to do. That includes the gays and immigrants and Muslims and Mexicans and the poor.
I believe it is okay to speak against hate. Not only is it okay, but it is something we must do. As long as we remain silent, the hate will continue. Speaking against it, writing against it, marching against it, voting against it, all of these things and more are in our best interest. We cannot – we must not – let hate win.
For the remainder of my life, I will have a dark cloud of uncertainty hanging over my head. I go to sleep every night not really knowing that I am going to wake up in the morning. I could take a turn for the worse at any time. And yes, this is true of all of us, but it is more true for me. And when you are in that kind of situation, it changes you. I have always felt this way about things, but it is only recently that I have really started to live like it. I am trying to make sure that my decisions and my actions always reflect these beliefs. Sometimes I fail. But from now until the end, however close or far away that may be, I will not stop trying. It is the highest priority I have.
One other thing I believe – you do not need to be a christian to be a good person. You do not need Jesus or the Holy Spirit to guide you. In fact lately if anything that appears to be a hindrance. What you do need is morals, values, character, and integrity. No relation to religion. The two can go together – or not. I have seen both.
My thoughts and views on what is important and what is not are radically changing. They are becoming a lot more accurate than they were. I am thankful for this. I may not believe in God, but there are things I do believe in. Good things. True things. Honest things. I will not die believing in nothing.
For if I die, let it be with honor.