{"id":107,"date":"2022-05-23T16:57:46","date_gmt":"2022-05-23T21:57:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/?p=107"},"modified":"2022-05-23T16:57:46","modified_gmt":"2022-05-23T21:57:46","slug":"speaking-for-your-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/2022\/05\/23\/speaking-for-your-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Speaking For Your Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"

I want to take just a moment to address something I see happening out there.\u00a0 I have touched on this briefly before.\u00a0 I want to expand on this and, for those uncertain (because some of you are), let me clarify for you.<\/span><\/strong>

You, the parent, have the right to speak for your kids.<\/span><\/em><\/strong>

Taking it even further – not only do you have the right, you also, as the parent, have the responsibility<\/em> and the privilege<\/em> to speak for your kids.\u00a0 Speaking for your kids is basic and fundamental Autism Parenting 101.\u00a0 It\u2019s a requirement.\u00a0 It\u2019s part of the job description.\u00a0 It is literally what you signed up for when you decided to be parent and raise a child.<\/span><\/strong>

But there is also someone who does not have the right to speak for your child.\u00a0 That would be (among everyone else who is not that child\u2019s parents or guardian) the stranger on the internet. \u00a0

<\/span><\/strong>Yeah – that includes me.\u00a0 I cannot speak for your child.<\/span><\/strong>

Some of you are being told otherwise.\u00a0 You are being told by those same strangers that you have no right to speak for them and they do. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

They\u2019re wrong.\u00a0 That\u2019s not how this works.\u00a0 I will explain why.<\/span><\/strong>

Their claim is they can speak for your kids but you can\u2019t because they have autism but you don\u2019t.\u00a0 What they need to understand is they are not responsible for raising your kids.\u00a0 You are.\u00a0 They are not paying out of pocket to provide food, clothing, and shelter for them.\u00a0 You are.\u00a0 They are not sending them to school or attending IEP meetings for them.\u00a0 You are.\u00a0 They are not taking them to the doctor or to therapy.\u00a0 You are.\u00a0 They are not getting them dressed in the morning.\u00a0 You are.\u00a0 They are not preparing dinner for them every night, giving them baths, and putting them to bed.\u00a0 You are.\u00a0 They are not even the ones wiping their butts.\u00a0 You are. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

Bottom line: <\/span><\/strong>
They do not have custody of them.\u00a0 You do.<\/span><\/strong>

All of that is you.\u00a0 And you aren\u2019t doing it because you need to, you are doing it because you want to.\u00a0 You are doing it because you love your child.\u00a0 They don\u2019t know even the first thing about your child.<\/span><\/strong>

For instance\u2026<\/span><\/strong>

What is your child\u2019s favorite color?\u00a0 What is their bedtime routine?\u00a0 What do they like for breakfast?\u00a0 What is the best way to calm them down?\u00a0 What is in their IEP?\u00a0 Is the IEP being followed?\u00a0 Who is their doctor?\u00a0 What is their diagnosis?\u00a0 Do they have any co-occurring diagnoses?\u00a0 What medication are they on?\u00a0 What are the dosages of those medications?\u00a0 Do they have any allergies? \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

Do strangers on the internet know these things?\u00a0 Do they know your child?\u00a0 Do they have a right to speak for them?<\/span><\/strong>

The answer to those questions is NO.<\/span><\/strong>

The person who speaks for the child is the person who has custody.\u00a0 The vast majority of the time, that will be one or both of the parents.\u00a0 It will not be some random bully out there in the ether somewhere.<\/span><\/strong>

Now understand there is an exception to all of this, someone else can speak for your child if you as the parent give them the permission and the authority to do so.\u00a0 The mother, the father, or both.\u00a0 If not them, then it must be a legal guardian or nobody, because nobody else can give that permission.\u00a0 (There\u2019s also court orders, that\u2019s beyond the scope of this article.\u00a0 We\u2019ll set that aside for another time.)\u00a0 Random people somewhere on the internet certainly can\u2019t just give that permission to themselves as some of them seem to be doing.\u00a0 They exceed their authority.\u00a0 What they are doing to you and (even worse) to your child, they have no right to do.\u00a0 Please be aware of this.\u00a0 You do not need to listen to them.\u00a0 You do not need to allow them to speak for your kids.\u00a0 That is your job, not theirs.<\/span><\/strong>

The example I use here is IEP meetings.\u00a0 As I have mentioned before, I have done more than my share of IEP meetings over the years.\u00a0 I have gone to these meetings and I have spoken for the kids.\u00a0 I have been their voice.\u00a0 I did this because the parents gave me the authority to speak for their kids for the duration of the IEP meeting.\u00a0 Once the meeting was over, that authority was rescinded and I was no longer able to speak for the child.\u00a0 This is as it should be. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

There are some things to keep in mind here.\u00a0 I was not just some random stranger on social media in some other city, state, or country.\u00a0 I was there, in person, I prepared for the meetings.\u00a0 I met with the family.\u00a0 I asked the parents questions.\u00a0 I looked over educational and medical records, and prior IEPs.\u00a0 I worked and played with and got to know to the kids to some extent.\u00a0 The parents trusted me enough to do all of that.\u00a0 I understood the weight and the responsibility of this as well.\u00a0 I knew I had to leave my own personal beliefs and politics at the door.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t there to do what was right for me, I was there to do what was right for the child and for the family.<\/span><\/strong>

I was not just someone the parents didn\u2019t even know, and at least one of the parents was always there with me in the meetings.\u00a0 If I said something they didn\u2019t agree with, they were welcome to correct me.\u00a0 Once in a while they did and they were right to do that.\u00a0 They always had the final word.\u00a0 It was my job as the advocate to understand and respect that.\u00a0 The parent always overrules the advocate.<\/span><\/strong>

Whatever it is you have hired the advocate to do, you as the parent or guardian have the final say, the last word.\u00a0 So long as you have legal custody, you always have the right to speak for your child until the child becomes 18 years of age.\u00a0 Longer if you obtain a guardianship. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

Do you see what I am saying here?\u00a0 No stranger from the internet can speak for your child just because they said so.\u00a0 It is utterly ridiculous for them to think they can. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

Here\u2019s another example.\u00a0 Let us say (hypothetically speaking, of course) the unthinkable happens and your child is naughty in some way.\u00a0 Here come the cops knocking on your door.\u00a0 Who\u2019s going to speak for your child?\u00a0 That person on the net in some far away place you don\u2019t even know, or you?\u00a0 And who is the officer going to listen to?\u00a0 Them or you?\u00a0 Who is going to have to pay for any damages?\u00a0 Them or you?\u00a0 Who may need to appear in court to answer for your child?\u00a0 Them or you?<\/span><\/strong>

So who speaks for your son or daughter?\u00a0 Them or you? \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

Taking it even further, who knows your son or daughter?\u00a0 Them or you?<\/span><\/strong>

It takes more than a diagnosis (or claiming a diagnosis) to be an expert on something as complex as autism.\u00a0 If one has been properly diagnosed, and if they have any level of self awareness, they may be an expert on their own autism.\u00a0 I will give them that.\u00a0 But no two people with autism are the same.\u00a0 Not understanding this simple, fundamental fact about autism immediately disqualifies them from any claims of expertise. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

Now the reason I am writing this obviousness is because some parents have come to me with some confusion over who can speak for their kids.\u00a0 I know certain people can be persuasive, but they\u2019re wrong.\u00a0 They are flexing muscles and trying to look important when they just aren\u2019t. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

What I am saying here is when they tell you that you have no right to speak for your child and they do, you can tell them where to go and what to do with it. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

You can tell them where to shove it. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

Really.\u00a0 You have my permission to do that.\u00a0 If they don\u2019t like it, they can take it up with me.<\/span><\/strong>

And block them.\u00a0 Definitely block them.\u00a0 Even if it\u2019s me.\u00a0 (But I would never tell you that I can speak for your kids.\u00a0 I know better.\u00a0 I take advocacy seriously.\u00a0 If I ever do, you can just tell me where to go and block me and I will deserve it.)<\/span><\/strong>

I am hoping this clears up the confusion.\u00a0 Note that if your kids can speak for themselves, it is of course best to allow them to do that if the situation allows it.\u00a0 If they can\u2019t, no stranger on the net can speak for them.\u00a0 You the parent can.\u00a0 They\u2019re your kids. Not theirs. \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>

Please don\u2019t let them tell you otherwise.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I want to take just a moment to address something I see happening out there.\u00a0 I have touched on this briefly before.\u00a0 I want to expand on this and, for those uncertain (because some of you are), let me clarify … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[3,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-107","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-advocacy","category-the-actually-autistic"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/107","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=107"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/107\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":109,"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/107\/revisions\/109"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=107"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=107"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thomasamckean.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=107"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}