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After the past year of going through the depression and loss that I did (see previous posts if you want to know, but trust me, you don't), I have been looking for some good news to post in this blog because I want to get back to the things that matter.

One thing I have been trying to do is get some action going again on Neurointegrity.

http://www.neurointegrity.com

We have a new chat room (stable!) and a few new forum features.  Both the chat and the forums are secure and safe.

Neurointegrity is an autism support site that I created because I have found that most autism support sites are more about arguing and bullying than they are support.  I wanted to get things back on track and have a place on the web where people could find that supoprt without being bullied. 

Apparently lately there has been a lot of bullying going on out there, because it seems we at Neurointegrity are seeing more action.

I am glad I have been able to provide this service and that people have a safe place to go.  It is very important to me. 

One year ago today, many people were deeply hurt here in Bedford, VA.  As the greatest and best church ever crumbled to the ground in a blaze, in what will always be known here in Bedford as "Resignation Sunday".

Since that time, I have been struggling with what to believe.  A family was torn apart by the pride and ego of five men, and many innocent people paid a high price for the actions of those five.

The problem was split, three elders on one side and two on the other.  However, as Lion of Judah violated non-profit law by refusing to have written by-laws (they were too godly, they claimed, so they didn't need no by-laws), there was no way to resolve this situation other than to cause untold hurt and pain within the Bedford community.

So for the past year, myself and many others have been carrying this pain around with us.  It isn't something we wanted to do.  It isn't something we planned.  There simply was no closure.  The incident hung over those of us in Bedford like the sword of Damocles, ready to drop at any moment.

There was also a matter of "right and wrong" to look at.  Which side was right?  Which side was wrong?  For a year I have tried to figure this out, only to find time and time again that the situation is not so much black and white as it is gray.  Both sides were right.  And both were absolutely wrong.

Yesterday one of the main issues I have been struggling with became very clear.  It took 365 days exactly to find the clarity I had been looking for.

A meeting was held between the elders and the now defunct congregation that has since moved on.  One side apologized to the group who was hurt.  The other side was given the opportunity and decided they were above such petty things as apologies.  Who to forgive?  Who to be angry at?  Who to see at Wal-Mart and turn around to go the other way hopefully before they know you are there?  These questions, once difficult, are now easy. 

Forgiveness should come to all of them, of course.  But the two who decided not only not to apologize but also not to even appear at the meeting (one of them did this after assuring several people he was coming, and yes, we did wait for him. We waited for Godot) are making it so much more difficult to forgive them. 

The other three stood in front of all of us and said they were sorry.  It takes a big person to do that in front of so many people.  I do believe they meant it because they also had the option of not coming, or coming and not saying anything.  The choice they made to apologize was their own.  As was the choice not to come for those two who didn't.

Like those who apologized, I also apologized for the small part I played in what happened.  I have been carrying around profound guilt over my part in it and I saw what would likely be my only opportunity ever to make it right.  So I took it.  I am still not completely at peace with my part in what happened, but I am far more at peace with it than I was just 48 hours ago.

One of those who didn't come (currently pastor of the liberty center here in Bedford) had said to many he was going to be at this particular meeting.  As I said above, we waited for Godot and then realized he wasn't coming and moved on with it.

Said pastor wrote an e-mail to those who attended (after the fact) explaining that between the time he had made the commitment to come and the time of the actual meeting, eight people who he "allows to speak into [his] life" told him not to attend.  He decided he needed to be accountable to those eight people and gave not even so much as a phone call to anyone to tell them he would not be there.

I don't buy that excuse.

He may have been accountable to those eight people, yes, but he was also accountable to the thirty some people who were at this get together that he personally had so hurt and wounded.  Instead of allowing himself accountability, he instead gave all of us the finger and told us to f*ck off, and he did it in a cowardly way by hiding behind those anonymous eight people. 

This is not the way a pastor is said to behave.

He ignored us completely.  It's as if he was saying he knows he was right to hell with anyone who thinks otherwise.  Yeah okay so he hurt us but that's not his problem. It's our problem and he wants nothing to do with it.  Leave him alone.  He no longer wishes to discuss this issue.  (Or so he said in a mass e-mailing.) 

The other three were there.  They knew they made mistakes.  They admitted it.  They owned up to it.  They were brave enough and man enough to set pride out of the way and do what was right. 

The associate pastor of the liberty center (I refuse to capitalize that name), the other of the missing two, also did not appear.  He almost had a valid reason. Almost.  But I don't buy an eagle scout award ceremony as a reason to miss this, either.  Both were given something very few have the luxury of having.  They were given an opportunity to make things right. It was right there waiting for both of them.  And they completely ignored it because they were too cowardly to come and admit they made mistakes.

Even I admitted to everyone there what that I made a mistake.  How ironic that an autistic with three years in an institution under his belt should act more mature and more appropriate than a couple of pastors! 

This is what I am trying to say: It has been a year and it is time to move on.

Moving on was very difficult until last night.  I know now who I can trust and who I can't.  I know now who is honorable and who is not.  Those who came were honorable.  Those two who didn't are not.  I had hopes of resolving issues with the pastor.  He and I have been through so much over the past nine years together.  But his awkward and self-serving decision place to himself above his congregation (even when others didn't) has shown me that reconciliation may just not be possible.  I have done all I can.  I need to move forward.

But one last thing before I do.  I want to tell y'all what I have learned and taken from this experience.  I have learned these things the hard way.  I write them here so you can learn them easier than I did.

1. Pride is the biggest enemy of organized religion.  Some (or many?) religious people may disagree with this.  Let them.  The only reason these "church splits" ever happen is because of pride in the leadership.  There can be no other reason.  None whatsoever.  We (including myself) must be ever vigilant not to allow pride to overcome us.  We will only be asking for the fall that will surely come shortly after.

2. I love, love, LOVE my friend Vicki!  And I see now through this experience that I have in the past hurt her just as the elders have hurt me.  I have hurt her in the same way that the elders have hurt me.  So here, now, and in writing, I swear an oath that I will never do this to her ever again!

3. Sometimes you need to let friendships go when you have a difference of opinion or when one does something wrong to the other.  You can hang by a thread if you like (and as I did for a year), but eventually there may come a point where you realize you have done all you can to reconcile. If the other person refuses to make things right, that is neither your fault nor your responsibility.  Give it time and then move on with your life.  Grieve for the loss and then look forward.

4. I have a free will and I am free to choose to believe what I want to believe.  This means I don't have to believe in something just because some pastor or preacher somewhere tells me to. I can consider it (if I even care to do that) and decide for myself what I believe.  Just because someone is up there at a pulpit thumping on a Bible, that doesn't necessarily mean he knows what he is talking about.

5. Just because leadership in a church can be idiots, that doesn't mean the congregation is.  They are and remain innocent.  I have nothing against them.  They were hurt as much as I was.

6. It is okay to feel hurt over what happened.  I say this because even a year later, the hurt is evident in so many others.  I am not the only one.

7. Just because you go to a church on Sundays, that does not make you a "nutcase Christian".  True, there were absolutely some nutcases in the church, but they were mixed in with the nicest and kindest and most Godly people you could ever want to meet.  And when I say Godly, I mean Godly in terms of action, not talk.  It is the nutcases who talk about God, it is the sane and beautiful people who prefer to witness by showing the love of God rather than shoving Gospel words down your throat.

8. It is possible to a find a group of people who will love you for who you are.  The rare person there was more infatuated with my notoriety and wanted to know me mainly because of that, but most of the people there didn't care one way or the other.  They loved Thomas just because he was Thomas.

9. Years ago, I asked the pastor (the one who didn't show), I said to him, "If you cannot trust your pastor, then whom can you trust?"  He finally answered this question yesterday.

10.  Be gentle in how you approach people who have done something to you.  Even if you are right.  They deserve a chance to make it right.  We all make mistakes.

11. Perhaps the most important thing I have learned from this is if you have wronged someone, you do need to make it right.  That doesn't mean writing a letter or making a phone call (a hand written and sincere note may be an exception, see previous blog), it means standing face to face with your accuser and having the guts to say you are sorry.  I see now how important it is to do this.  It is a lesson I hope I never forget.

Many at the meeting said they had been through church splits before.  This is my first.  And if I have anything to say about it, then it will also be my last.  I am so totally discontented with organized religion.  I want nothing to do with it ever again.  This doesn't mean I choose not to be spiritual, but it does mean I know better to attend church again on a regular basis. I will not be hurt like this again.

I will also, as of today, no longer allow this single incident to define who I am.  I have done everything possible to work it out and it was two others who have refused.  My conscious is clear on this.  I can move forward and get on with my life.

It is time to get back to writing and advocacy.  The only two things I know how to do.  As of today, they are my main focus once again.

Welcome back, Thomas.  I missed you. 

Yes it is true.  I finally got tired of people bugging (and begging) me to be on Twitter, so I joined.  If you were one of those who has been looking, here is the Twitter address for you:

http:/www.twitter.com/ThomasMcKean

I don't know how active I will be at this point, but you can go ahead and "follow" to your heart's content. 

What an amazing difference just 24 hours can make.

The March 10th appointment has been rescheduled for March 3rd.

Meanwhile, said friend in the previous blog wrote a hand written apology and put it in my mailbox.  I am willing to forgive, of course.  I am a reasonable guy. 

I hope this is the start of things turning around for me.  In all I have been through in my 43 years, everything in the book and also the things I left out when I wrote it, I can truly and honestly say that my life has never been as rough or as hard as it is right now in early '09.  I lost my father, I lost my family, I am slowly losing my mind because I have lost all my sleep since last year.  (Tell me how long you can go without sleep before you go nuts...) 

I am ready to get through this and get on with living. 

Hopefully that will happen soon.

Apparently it is so you have someone to force your own beliefs onto.  Apparently being a friend means opening your mouth so someone else can shove their beliefs down your throat.

I thought, up until today, that friends were supposed to be there for you, supposed to rejoice with you through the good times and help you through the bad.  But maybe I am wrong about that.

Yesterday I went to see a sleep specialist about the apnea I have been having.  He told me my case was very severe and I was at a high risk for heart trouble.  Not what I wanted to hear.  What I did want to hear was what could be done about it.  He told me I needed to be titrated on a mask.  I already knew this, of course, because I had done my homework.

I told him it was a month to the very day between the time I had the last sleep study and the time I saw him and that I didn't want to wait like that again.  So he tells me he understands and says he will schedule for next week.  That was next week too late for me, but hey, I can be reasonable...

On my way out, I pay (let me make that clear: I PAID!) the doctor for services rendered and as I was leaving, someone stopped me to schedule a follow up appointment.  This was scheduled for March the 5th, because the results of the sleep study would be in by then. 

Again, a bit late for me, but certainly better than nothing at all.

So today - I get a call from the dr's office and they tell me the sleep study is scheduled for March 10th.

Do the math.  I paid a doctor to lie to me. 

I decided I was dissatisfied and that it was time I make a little noise.  But his office was closed.

So, in what is obviously the act of a desperate man (don't these people know how very stupid it is to piss off a guy who hasn't had any sleep?  HELLO?), I went to the people who referred me to said doctor and made some noise there.  They told me not to be too loud because I might scare some of the other patients and I told them at that point I really didn't care.  And I didn't.  What that doctor did to me was wrong.

To the credit of Bedford Medical, they heard my voice (unlike the specialist) and they are working on getting me in sooner.  They called to tell me on the phone.  So of course I drove back after and told them I was a fair kind of guy.  I told them if I can yell at them for something that they didn't do, then I can also jolly well thank them for something they did!

I don't know if I will get in any earlier or not, but I see at least someone cares enough to try.  I wanted to go back and acknowledge that.

Meanwhile, I went to visit a friend and I told her this story and she went on to tell me what I did was wrong.  She told me it was wrong that I complained and that what would have been more appropriate would have been to keep it all to myself and to pray about it instead.  God hates a complainer, you see...

Now I do not want to presume that I know the mind of our Lord (because I certainly do not!), but I have a feeling that if I had done what she said, I would still be looking at the 10th.  Granted I wasn't all that nice to them at the time, but I was also very careful what I said. 

It got results.

Of course said friend (if you are in Bedford, know that it wasn't Vicki.  Vicki would never hurt me or anyone else like this) claimed that it was just the Lord showing mercy to me in spite of my own stupidity.  She really let me have it about the prayer.  She seems to think if you pray, you are guaranteed to get the results you want.  But forty three years of damn hard living and more unanswered prayers than I can count have shown me how utterly wrong she is.

The charismatics in Bedford are currently on a roll unlike any I have seen in the nine years I have lived here.  They claim they want to bring everyone closer to God, yet over the past few months they have only succeeded in pushing me further and further and further away from him.  I haven't picked up my bible in forever and I don't intend to. 

It seems that Christianity here in Bedford has gone from "loving your neighbor" (which they did sooooo well!) to "hurting you neighbor as much as you possibly can" - and I am thinking that the almighty is probably very understanding of my drifting away from him, because, let's face it...those who are representing him totally and completely SUCK at the job they are doing.  If the elders of lion of judah and these people telling me they are right and I am wrong (because only what they believe is right and anyone who disagrees with them personally is going to hell), then I want no part of him, now or ever.

I am not the only one in Bedford who feels this way.  There are many others who are being hurt as well by...whatever the heck it is that is going on.

It is clear I need to re-evaluate some of the friendships I have made here in Bedford.

That makes me very sad. 

Nine years ago (2000), very soon after I moved here to the mountains, like within days, I was invited to speak at the first national political autism awareness rally.  This was held on the Mall in Washington, DC.

I remember climbing the steps to the stage, thinking about MLK and all of the so many others who have spoken there, and it was both exciting and somewhat frightening at the same time to know that as I climbed those steps, my name would be added to theirs.

There were many people there (thousands, I heard) waiting to hear me and I spoke to them.  Looking back, I can't really remember what I said, though I know I wasn't really happy with the speech.  I had written many speeches and I wasn't happy with any of them.  I decided to toss them all and just say what I felt.  I have heard rumors of a video of that talk, but I have yet to see it.

I also have a dream.  I have a dream that someday those of us with autism will be united and treated equal.  Yes, some of us need accomodation in certain areas, and when possible and reasonable, that accomodation needs to be provided.  But we also have a responsibility.  If we want to  be treated with respect, we need to do things that are respectful.  We need to contribute in some way.  Lately I have been doing this as a writer for the "Autism @Home" magazine and also writing in other places.  There isn't as much $$$ in it as I would like, but at the same time, I know that I am at least providing something.  If not for this dang skeletal/muscular disease, I could be contributing a lot more!

Some with autism are unable to contribute, this is through no fault of their own.  Some would look at them as a problem and a drain on society.  I disagree.  I have seen the worst.  I have seen the head banging, the self mutilation, the crying and the screaming, the rocking in the corner and the hand flicking for hours upon hour upon hours non stop. 

And I have learned from it.

Anyone who approaches them with eyes and hearts open can learn from them as well.

The political landscape in autism has changed dramatically since I gave that speech.  We have people with asperger's demanding to be heard.  Contrary to popular belief, I do not see this as a bad thing.  I do, however, draw the line when they attack parents. 

Some of them (not all, thankfully) believe that by attacking parents, they will get the respect they are demanding.  I would submit the opposite is true. 

I helped to draft the ASA parental options policy and I stand by it.  Whether those with autism and asperger's like it or not, the parents do have a right to seek any treatment they feel is appropriate for their children.  This (unfortunately) includes aversive therapies.  St least for now.  I know there are people working on changing that, and I wish them luck.  They are going to need it.

I have seen aversive therapies.  I have watched, horrified, as a device a child was forced to wear sprayed lemon juice in his eyes in an effort to stop a behavior. 

It was unsuccessful.

I have seen many other examples I won't go into here because I don't want to get depressed and I don't want to depress you who are reading this.

A lot of the attacking is based upon parents choosing Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) as a form of therapy and treatment.  Many of those with asperger's had the same thing happen to them back in the day.

But that was back in the day. 

ABA has changed and the arguing that is going on between the people with autism and the parents is happening because those with autism and asperger's cannot accept that ABA has changed and is now far more friendly and less aversive.

I know Lovaas personally.  I have done several conferences with him.  I have spoken with him.  I have not been all that impressed, though for all I know he was just having some bad days.

I was also against ABA in the beginning.  If you listen to some of my early talks (they are out there somewhere), you can hear me speak against it.  But as I continued the advocacy, I had opportunities to travel to many institutions and residental facilities and even private homes.  What I saw astounded me.  I saw that ABA was working.

It works because of the game.  But when the child gets wise to the game (usually somewhere between four and six years old), then ABA is no longer effective and it is time to move on.  If you don't, then it is possible (perhaps even probable) that the child will be playing a game with you, and you won't even know it.  You will continue thinking you are playing the game when all the time you are the one being played. 

I have seen this more than once, and it always makes me smile. 

There is a division currently between those with autism and the rest of the world.  We need to come together.  Not all of us are going to believe in the same things, and we are going to have different ideas about how to fix the problems out there (and there are indeed problems out there that need to be fixed).  But unless we can somehow become united, all of those problems will remain. 

We must realize, all of us, whether person with autism, asperger's, teacher, doctor, therapist, parent, etc., we all must come to realize that at the end of the day, we are all on the same side. 

In addition to seeing the not so pleasant things mentioned above, I have been blessed to witness a few autistic miracles.  I have seen happiness, joy, overcoming, and other amazing things.  I gave a friend of mine a CD of my friend, JoAnn McFatter, and her son began talking.  He started talking by singing along with the CD.  (And because I know someone out there will ask, the CD was Raging Beauty, and the song was Altogether Lovely, which Dillon definitely is.)

I don't know if I will see the autism community come together in my lifetime.  I want to.  There are those who are hungry for a cure and those who are very much opposed to one.  I am one of the former.  But more than that, I want to see the political landscape of autism come together into one, big, powerfully influencial being that knocks the Senate and Congress rights on their butts and gets things done. 

If change is to come, it can only come through political means.  And as long as the autism community is divided, that change will never happen.  I can pretty much guarantee that.

I have a dream to see us all as one, not as many.  All of us equal in what we want, what we demand in the name of justice and fairness and equality and rights.  I have done my time giving testimony.  But if the vision happens, if we can unite, I would gladly stand with my autistic brothers and sisters again in the House and Senate. 

Most of all, more than anything else, I want to see children with autism happy.  I want to see smiles on them instead of tears.  I want to see an end to the pain that so few people will ever understand.

As I write this, Obama is about to be sworn in as president.  There have been many interviews of late from people who truly did not believe they would see it within their lifetimes.  But they did. 

It gives me hope that within my own lifetime, I will see my dream of unity and equality and happiness for my own people. 

But it is my own people who will have to make that happen and they do not seem interested.  They seem more interested in fighting among themselves.

That makes me profoundly sad.

A new year begins on a strange note for me.  Towards the end of December I woke up out of a sound sleep unable to breathe.  That went on long enough to get me worried. 

Part of me feels like it was nothing and another part of me wonders if I am lucky to be alive.  Maybe I am.

This isn't the first time I have cheated death, and one day my luck is going to run out.  Maybe I need to make a Last Will & Testament someday soon.

I also start the new year very much alone.  I was so blessed to have not one, but two families.  And I lost both of them in rapid succession late last year.  One was by natural causes and was not entirely unexpected.  My father died, though he had been in ill health for some time.  Mom sold the house just yesterday, and that means I no longer have a home to come home to.  Granted, I did tend to stay away from the house, but it was always there somewhere hidden in the deep reccesses of my mind that was a place that was always available. 

Not anymore.

The other family died by violence.  Lion of Judah died a death most horrible.  I truly cannot even begin to picture a worse death for a church than what happened across the street here at LofJ.  It was a very unique situation.  It was a solid, reliable, dependable family without being a cult.  Something like that is rare, indeed.  But, as I have said, what God had joined together, man has rent asunder.  At this point, I am thinking four of the five elders are going to have to answer for it.  The fifth one feels so bad about it and understands so many things happened that were wrong, that I don't think God can help but forgive him.

I forgive him, too.  That leaves the other four.  And I am still working on that.  I can't remember the last time I have felt as hurt and as broken as I do about the walls of Judah falling.  I also don't remember the last time I was as angry as I am at the four remaining elders.  It has made a bit of an agoraphobic out of me as I tend to leave the house very rarely anymore.  It is good that I can write from home.

But it isn't all bad news.  There is also good news, and it is very unexpected, not to mention delightful and wonderful and any other kewl adjective you would want to add.

Something has happened to my Mother.  I don't know how, or why, but I do know what and when.  She is all of a sudden very NICE, and PLEASANT and even GOOD to talk to!  (ACK!)  I have pondered whether it was her move to the penthouse, the death of her husband, a combination of these things, or maybe even something else I have no inkling of...?  Whatever it is, I am very happy about it.  I am somewhat worried this is temporary, but I pray it continues.  Mom and I are actually getting along, and this is something I have wanted ever since I have moved here to the Blue Ridge. 

In more mundane news, sad to say my Lamp Commander is no longer functioning.  I have used it for years in the bedroom and I feel like I have lost a friend.

I am pondering making a financial investment in 2009.  I am thinking about investing in a shield.  This thing is so well made (hand forged alloy) that it can only increase in value.  Especially being as there are only 750 of them made.  It is a tough decision, and one I don't take lightly.  Captain America has always been a favorite of mine, and that shield would look awesome sitting on the wall above this computer I am typing on.  But I want to be sure that the investment will pay off before I commit to buying it, so I am looking into that.

Tomorrow I start a camera class.  I have taken an interest in photography recently.  I figure this is a good hobby to get into because there will always be something to take a picture of.  And with aperture settings and various shutter speeds, second curtain flash, etc., there is room to be creative.  I have a nice Canon G9 and a Panasonic FZ28.  You wouldn't think Panasonic would make a good camera, but they do.  Both of these are advanced cameras that shoot RAW as well as JPG.  I am finding that RAW has its uses, but may be a bit of overkill for most photos.  Some camera people reading this will agree with me, others won't.  I can accept that.

I will be posting my photography here, in case one or two of you might be interested...?  Keep that bookmarked as I will be adding to it.  (And hopefully the quality of photography will improve...I am working on it...REALLY!)

I also have a Sony Mavica CD-350 that I rarely use anymore.  I love the idea, building a camera around a CD drive, but the design does have its weaknesses.  The main one being how long it takes to write the picture to the CD before you can take another picture.

I would vert much like to have a dSLR.  I have my eyes on this one, the Canon Rebel SXi, very costly, but a guy can dream.  Maybe after the classes I will see about saving up for one. 

Not much more to report, except maybe that you can find me on Facebook.  Click here and there I am. 

Happy New Year, everyone...

Time to move on.  I have had my fun stewing over what was done to me, and also feeling guilt over what I have done to others.  I have forgiven them, though I am sure I still need to forgive myself...

That song about the "Universal Soldier" has been praying on my mind lately.  Specifically one line of the song:

He's a catholic, a protestant, an atheist, a jain...
He's a hindu and a baptist and a jew...

The above is what I want to be.  All of it.  The spiritual community I was a part of no longer exists.  So now I need to stop riding on coat tails and believing what others believe, and decide for myself what it is Thomas believes.

I know that since I was created, as were all of us, there must be a "creator" out there somewhere.  Whether or not this is the God of the Judeo-Christian doctrine or not is something I am not nearly as sure of as I once was.

But I believe in a higher power.  I have to.  Because if we, as a species are the higher power, well, that's just too hard to even consider.  Roddenberry may have had hope for us, but the way things are going, I think he was being a bit too optimistic.

I know also that I am concerned about plastic.  Every piece of plastic that has ever been made still exists.  And it will exist....forever.  Those commercials lately about "forever in a landfill" are not exaggerating.  Plastic is not biodegradable and it does not decompose or decay over time. 

Let's assume Roddenberry is right.  That we overcome our petty differences (and previous entries in this blog indicate I also have some to overcome...I don't deny this) and we move out to the stars and somehow manage to "get along" with each other here on earth.  Even in the 24th century of Picard, or even the 25th century of Buck Rogers, or, taking it further, the 30th century of the Legion, that water bottle you bought yesterday at Wal-Mart will still be there.  It will be polluting the earth in a landfill or ocean.  This goes also for your computer keyboard and mouse, your television set, your CD player, etc.  Hundreds of years from now, even thousands of years from now....and guess what even hundreds of thousands of years from now, all them will still exist.  They won't work anymore, but they will be taking up space and they will be polluting our planet.

This really bothers me.    

I am recycling what I can, but I don't know what else to do.  Anyone who wonders if this is the truth, or if you are wondering how all this works, consider maybe reading this:

The World Without Us

Ever since reading this, I have been frightened about what we are doing to good old Mother Earth.  Those reading this in Bedford, VA. can get it at the library.

I have been reading also lately about Taoism.  (By the way, a lot of people don't know this, but the T in Taoism is pronounced like a D as in Daoism.)  There are some things I really like about this philosophy.  But I am realizing, since the walls of Judah have fallen (and they fell right on top of me), that I, as an individual, do not have to follow anyone else when it comes to spiritual beliefs.  Just because there are untold different religions out there, that doesn't mean I have to choose one to be a part of.  I can create my own if I like.  Either from scratch, or from blending various parts of what is there already.  It is like I tell people when they ask me about reading Soon Will Come the Light.  I tell them to treat it like any other book.  Take what they can get from it and leave the rest.  I tried to write it so people would get a lot from it, but I know it won't please everyone and I don't expect it to.

Buddhism and Taoism together would be a fantastic way to live.  And I know there are people who do live like this.  And really the only problem I personally have with it is the reincarnation aspect of the philosophies.  If we are reincarnated, what does that say about me, with my unequal intellectual development and decaying muscles?  I can't believe in reincarnation.  It is too frightening, too scary.  What am I going to be next, a goat?  ACK!

I have also been reading up on out of body experiences.  As I have said elsewhere in this blog, I do believe there is a spiritual realm that exists just beyond our own.  I have had some pretty interesting experiences with it.  So I do believe it is there. 

I want to explore it further.  I have tried to do that thing some people talk about where you "pop out of the body", but so far it hasn't happened.  At least not in a way that I am 100% certain of it.  And I would think that if it did happen, one would indeed be 100% certain.  It may be not possible.  It may be that Monroe and others are pulling the wool over our gullible eyes.  But it is interesting to try.  Though so far a fruitless endeavor.  The recent death of my father may also be a factor in my interest in this.  But like I say...No dice.  I know there are blogs where people write it has happened, and for all I know, they may even be telling the truth.  But I ain't going to make something up.

No more Sunday morning services for me.  I did tell the Pastor I would come back if he replaced the key I have to the church which no longer works (they changed the locks) and he agreed to this.  That was a few weeks ago and no key yet.  I don't expect one, either.

After following others for so long, it is hard to know what to believe, or even what I have believed all along.  As for my charismatic friends, I am no longer willing to be preached to.  (With one exception, only because she is one of the rare few who actually does practice what she preaches.)  I don't mind asking a few questions and discussing the doctrine itself, but don't be forking over tracts in the street or tapping me on the shoulder at Wal-Mart telling me what Jesus has done for you.  I don't want to hear it.

Stay tuned...

As more time passes away from the church, the more I do not want to go back.

I did go back, yesterday, and I heard hypocritical preaching.  That made me mad. 

I am tired of the same old stereotypical stuff I am seeing coming out of these so called "Godly" people.  They yell at me and treat me with incredible disrepect, and they think it is okay.  They tell me that since I am "not right with God" (which is their own opinion, because they are not me and have no idea what my relationship with God is.  That is intensely personal...for all of us), my thoughts on a Godly topic mean nothing and they don't want to hear them.  They preach one thing while doing the opposite of what they are preaching.

They get upset at the way the world views Christians, yet at the same time, they are blissfully unaware that they are perpetuating their own stereotype! 

I left Columbus because I was tired of being yelled at and treated like I was nine years old.  Now people who have even less of a right to yell at me are doing it here.

The Buddhist way of life is growing more appealing to me.  I like that it is not so much a religion as it is a "practice", and I like the calmness of the meditation. 

Charismatic Christianity has lost its appeal for me.  It is time to move on.

As I write this, it is night.  Halloween.  I hate this holiday.  I hate it and everything it stands for.  Yet at the same time, I cannot deny the delicious irony of posting what I am about to on Halloween. Somehow, it seems....appropriate.

This will no doubt be the longest blog I have ever written.  I want to recount for you some stories (true stories) of my near decade among the charismatic Christians.  I also want to tell you why I am leaving them, and the church, behind.  

It hasn't all been bad, but I want to start with the bad so I can end on the good.

First, of course, is the rampant hypocrisy.  At times, even this has been a good thing, though.  Sometimes we do things and we are not aware that we are doing them until we see how awful it is when someone else does it.  The hypocrisy of the charismatics has made me a better person.  

But it hasn't always been easy to deal with.  People who claim to be Godly and who behave anyway except.  I understand how very difficult it is to be Godly.  So, except in the extreme cases (and I will get to one later), I am able to overlook it.  We are human.  We make mistakes.  We forgive and move on.  Accepted.

Next is the language and the one trick pony minds some of these people have.  Let us suppose we have attended a church service on a regular Sunday morning, as I was likely to do.  Let us suppose further that the service has just ended.  In making conversation, I might go up to someone and ask them what they have planned for the afternoon.

Oh, I don't know.  I am just going to see what the Lord has planned for me.

This, in itself, may not be bad, but when everything you say has to do with "the Lord", it does get a bit tiresome for those hearing it.  The irony in this is (as I am sure most of you know), the ones who constantly talk about the Lord are the ones who are most likely to be the hypocrites.  (Perhaps this is because they give themselves more opportunity?)

Let's move on to healing.  This is a big one.  The charismatics believe very much in the power of God to miraculously heal.  Some even claim they have seen it. Some even claim they were the ones praying for the healing when they saw it happen.  It is convenient, however, that in most cases (certainly not all cases, but most cases), this healing happened somewhere in the world other than the USA.  How can Joe Average verify such a thing?

I have a friend, Ginger, she had some trauma at birth (there were complications) and as a result of this, she has a touch of the palsy.  She is unable to walk or to even straighten out her legs.  I have watched with burning anticipation as the best of the best have laid hands on her and prayed over her.  Nothing could please me more than to see Ginger walk.  Not only would it be good for her to walk, but it would also be a testimony to all who witnessed her walking.  (I can guarantee you it would make me rethink a few things...)  However, even with all the prayer Ginger has received, even with all the different people who have prayed for her, as many times as they have, Ginger still is not walking.

But to some, this does not matter.  They claim she is healed anyway.  In this I will have to ask them forgiveness, because I certainly do not see any signs of healing in Ginger's legs.  When I see her pick up her mat and walk, I will say, "God has healed her!"  I will shout it from the mountaintops!  Until then, I just have a problem with believing she is healed.

I once had someone pray for me in the Vista Foods parking lot here in Bedford.  He laid his hands on my shoulders and he prayed for healing from the autism and fibro.  It was a very good prayer.  Very heartfelt and sincere.

But...

After he was done praying, he took his hands off of me, opened his eyes and told me I was healed.  I did explain to him at this point that I did not feel any different.  He told me that did not matter.  He had prayed for me and I was healed.  

Excuse me....it does matter.  The whole point in praying for Ginger is so she can walk again.  She ain't walking. The whole point in praying for me is so I don't feel the pain.  I am still feeling it.  If nothing has changed, how can healing have taken place?  The answer, they say, is simple.   The reason Ginger and I have not noticed it yet, is....(wait for it....wait for it...) it will happen in the Lord's timing!

If I am so bold as to ask when that timing will be, I am told it is up to the Lord Himself, and that it may not happen until I get to Heaven.

Seems to me if I am in Heaven, the healing would have taken place anyway at that point, whether I was prayed for or not!  Or do they mean to say there is indeed pain in Heaven?  Because that is not what my Bible says!  

But wait, there is more!  The Lord's timing may not be the only reason one is not healed.  The other reason is because the person being prayed for lacks the faith to be healed.  In other words, someone prays for me, nothing happens, and guess what it is my own fault!  ARGH!!!

Recently we had someone in India who was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  Things looked very bad for him, indeed!  But a group of "Liberating Partners" prayed for him and he kept them informed by e-mail.  Since I am on the list, I received the updates.  Of course I watched this one with baited breath.  He has the respect of so many people around here (including myself) as a man of God, and I wanted to see how this one turned out.

He was healed.

No trace of cancer left.  He was, however, in the hospital for a prolonged period of time, so one has to ask whether or not it was the prayer or the radiation and chemo that healed him.  I truly wish I knew!

I am not going to sit here and say God doesn't heal. Certainly there have been scientific studies on the effectiveness of prayer, and I am aware of them.  I am also aware of cases where people have indeed healed overnight from incurable conditions.  The fact that God (or something) heals is not in dispute here.

What I am disputing is the claim made by many charismatics that prayer guarantees healing.  Is it Ginger's fault she is not walking?  Do they think she enjoys crawling all over the floor?  HELLO?  Some people need to get a clue.  

I have read many books on healing.  I have read many articles (and even written one or two) on healing.  The only book that I have read on healing that makes any sense to me at all is this one.  If you are interested in a sensible look at spiritual healing, this is the book to read.  

I don't mind people praying for me.  But I don't like them insisting immediately after that I am healed.  I also don't like them blaming me personally if I am not!  

During my time with the church, many of the members experienced computer problems.  I know my way around computers and I fixed more of them than I can count.  I did this for the congregation because we were family.  I asked for nothing in return, and most times that is what I received.  But still I was willing and happy to do it for them.

For a time, I also ran the sound board.  All those buttons and knobs and sliders and switches were just one big delightful toy to play with.  And I played with it well.  I have been called the best sound person the church has ever had.  I do think there may have been one better than me, but Carrie has been gone for some time now.

I edited the church newsletter for a while, and you can see those issues by clicking here.

So what happened?  

What happened was someone who thought he knew more about running sound than I did started stepping on my toes.  He was an elder, and what he says goes, whether it is right or not.  And it wasn't.

I went to the leadership of the house about this, they agreed with me, and they said they would talk to him. But still it continued.

I went to the leadership again and explained the problem was still happening.  They told me they would fix it.  

They didn't.

Over and over and over again this occurred.

Now, at this point in the story I have to confess my own transgressions.  But please understand that before this happened, I had gone through the proper and appropriate channels time and time and time and time again.  I was told I was right, I was told the problem would be resolved, and I was lied to each of the many times I was told.

Sooooo...myself and the other person in the sound booth got to be a bit frustrated.  Certainly you can see how this would happen under such circumstances. Since we were not getting any relief from our frustrations from the leadership of the church (despite being told over and over that we would), we decided to relieve our frustrations ourselves.  What we ended up doing was writing e-mails to each other that were....shall we say...unflattering toward the individual in question.

In retrospect, I see now that what we did was wrong.  Just because the leadership was behaving inappropriately did not give me personally any excuse or right to do so.  I regret my actions, I feel remorse over them, and the next time I see this person, I intend to apologize profusely for those actions.

The leadership discovered what Doug and I were doing. Well, when that happened we were ripped seven ways from Sunday and the elders decided to call a special meeting to discuss the issues.  I was okay with this because I wanted this resolved.  I was willing to admit my error and to move on.

But that is not what happened at this meeting.

There were five elders at this meeting.  Along with Doug and myself, and the worship leader, who was also having problems with said individual.

The pastor wanted to open with prayer, as to be expected.  No problem.  But after the prayer, one of the five elders began yelling.  I mean this in the literal sense.  He raised his voice and he yelled at us.  If any of you reading this can point me to the verse in the Bible that says it is appropriate or even that it is okay for an elder of the church to raise his voice to members of the congregation, I would be much obliged.

What is worse, the yelling continued.  Doug and I spoke only in a normal tone of voice during the entire meeting, a fact that I will always and forever be proud of.  He and I admitted we were wrong, and we tried to explain our frustrations.  We were told (again, by yelling) that the person we were frustrated at was a an elder, a "mighty man of God" and we were basically told (by way of yelling) that he was quite incapable of ever doing anything wrong, and how dare we say he could have made a mistake!

The entire meeting (and I do mean the entire meeting!) we were both yelled at.  Doug and I went in there willing to discuss the issues (even the ones where we were at fault) like mature and responsible grown men. But before we had a chance to do this, one of the elders yelled at us, and the other four just sat there and let him do it.

If that elder thinks we heard a damn word he said,  he is in for a disappointment.  He was so loud that we couldn't hear him!  The only thing that happened at that meeting was Doug and I losing our respect for five men.  It is gone.  Completely, totally, utterly gone.  I deeply respected all five of them.  Now I no longer do.  

It is interesting to note here that I have heard back from one of the five elders.  He has expressed his regrets to me and says that meeting should have gone differently than it did.  That is one out of five.  (Thank you, Gary!!!)  The other four (including the one that yelled) have yet to say anything to me about it.  They have shown me no remorse whatsoever.  They seem to feel the behavior of the elders during that meeting was completely appropriate.  Now you tell me who in their right mind would go back to a church who did that to them? 

No one!

The elders lied to me, then they tried to make it look like it was my fault they did and they did this by raising their voice in an incredibly disrespectful way.  Yes, what I did was also disrespectful, but unlike four of the five elders, I am at least aware that it was disrespectful, and I deeply regret having done it!

The elders, on the other hand, could give a rat's ass.

(Do I sound angry?  I wonder why. ...?)  

And so begins the blog of a spiritual journey.

I have left the church behind.  I no longer want anything to do with it.  I am not renouncing Christianity.  I did consider this, but the bottom line here is that just because God's representatives are idiots, that does not make God Himself an idiot.  If indeed I stand before Him at some point, as the Bible says, it will be a heart repentant over my part in this incident.  I would not want to be one of the four remaining unrepentant elders.  Because they were representing Him, and you do not do justice to the Lord by screaming in anger at others.  

Having said that, I am instead doing something I believe God would approve of.  I am asking questions. Or, to be more specific, I am asking one question.

What is Spiritual truth? (And where can I  find it?)

Many of the charismatics think they know.  Jesus, after all, is the way, the truth, and the life.  And no one can come to the Father but through Him.

They may be convinced of that, but I ain't.  Not anymore.  If it is the truth, I will come back to it. Because my search itself will be truthful and honest.  I do know of two people personally who set out to disprove God.  In the process they only ended up proving it to themselves and becoming Christians.  I am hopeful, in some ways, the same will happen to me.  

But even if it does, I will not be one of the judgmental charismatics who think they are so much more special than the rest of us.  I will not be another Aunt Esther, walking around with a Bible under my arm, telling people they are going to hell.  Regardless of my own spiritual beliefs, I have respect for the beliefs of others.  I feel there is room for many religions in this world.  I am not going to try to sort it all out by forking over tracts on a street corner.  At the end of the day, God, if in fact there is a God, will do that Himself.  This is as it should be.

My time with the charismatics has changed me.  I am sure in many ways of which I am not even aware.  But I am aware of some of them.  For instance, I am able to spot one now with absolute certainty.  When I see someone walking down the street, or even being interviewed on the news, I know if they are Charismatic or not.    (It's all in the eyes.)

Another thing it has done is convinced me, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that there is indeed a spiritual world beyond our own.  I may not have been witness to any miraculous healings, but over the past nine years I have had a few wild rides of a spiritual nature that has made it clear to me there is more going on with us than meets the eye.

The time has come for me to get to know Thomas better and to know what he believes.  That is what this blog is about.  The wondrous journey into the inner realm of self.

Stay tuned...

In doing a bit of research into the Todd Bentley affair (which I am the first to admit is none of my business, but read on), I have come to see that I am seriously questioning the spiritual beliefs I have had for the past eight years.

During this time, I was with Lion of Judah Ministries, here in Bedford, VA. They are literally right across the street from me, which is one reason I moved to this new location.

Lion of Judah was unlike any place I had ever been before. This was the kindest and closest knit community I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. For the first time in all of my forty some years, I had found a place where I felt safe.

But all good things must come to an end. And it wasn't that long ago that politics reared its ugly head and literally destroyed something incredibly beautiful.

And in the process, I was personally deeply hurt due to the unwilling part I had in the fall of Lion of Judah. Though I would like to go into detail regarding exactly what happened, and how (including a written confession of my part in it), I cannot do this as it would break a promise to a friend. This I am not willing to do.

Bentley was head of the Lakeland, Florida revival. Lion of Judah was somewhat involved in this revival (though I personally was not. I was invited to Florida but I turned it down. Looking back on it now, I feel...?), which is why I was investigating it. These "evangelical nutcases" I have loved hanging out with have taught me a fundamental and charismatic view of Christianity.

Yet what happened with Bentley, not to mention what happened with Lion of Judah, blows everything they have taught me all to hell. Looking at this from a charismatic point of view, how is it possible that so many people could be flocking to his church if he is involved in an affair? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, yet this is exactly what he was doing. And, somehow in the midst of this, God was rewarding him as He has rewarded few others!

How can this be?

Meanwhile, closer to home, I was one of two people who took the fall for five leaders who were unwilling to do so. My part in the fall of Lion of Judah was minor compared to others, but, unlike others, I am very much aware that what I did was wrong. Unlike others, I have deep remorse over my part in the church crumbling. Taking the fall was not something I wanted to do, it was not something that was planned, but because of the position I held in the church at the time, I was handy. They used that. This isn't to say that I am completely blameless, but it is to say that others who did far more wrong than I did walked away scott free. If there was blame to be placed (and there was), they should have placed it correctly and they did not. They placed it on me instead. All of it.

"They took the load off Fanny, and they put the load right on me..."

More than once through the years, the pastor has spoken of people who had left their churches because the leadership of the church hurt them. Now I have a very clear understanding of why they left.

One thing the church taught me is how we need to depend on God because depending on anyone else is setting yourself up. People are fallible. God is not. Even God's people make mistakes. Todd Bentley is a case in point.

Yet it is so difficult sometimes to separate the two. It seems to me that God chose, for whatever reason, to be reflected in His people. In my life and in my many travels, I have run into many, many people who claim to be Christian, who claim to be Godly.

Yet so very, very few of them actually are. It wasn't until the mid eighties that I finally found someone who truly lived righteously. The princess forever changed the way I looked at God and Christianity. Up till then I hated Him. I hated Him because I had been hurt so many times. I had been locked away, rejected, scorned. Everyone who told me they were a Christian turned around and hurt me. Yet here, finally, was someone who loved as Christ Himself loved. Completely, totally, and unconditionally.

Back in Columbus, I searched for a place where they were all like her. I was unable to find it. But I found it here in the Blue Ridge Mountains. For eight years this place was literally a paradise.

Now I am not sure what it is.

Those eight years were valid, I am sure of it. The leadership was mature and Godly and did right by the congregation as precious few other churches ever did or ever will. But something changed. I have an idea what, but unless I am told (fat chance), I will never be completely sure.

Whatever it was, it slowly crept into the church. It took many months, but eventually Jericho fell.

Just earlier today I was alone in the church, something I have not been for a while. I used to feel as if the walls themselves were hugging me when I was there, yet today I felt it was just another building.

I have been reading various books on meditation and spirituality. Not Christian specific spirituality. I can't bring myself to read anything like that anymore. I am thankful that one does not need to be "born again" to be spiritual. I do believe there is a "spirit realm" beyond our own somewhere. I think maybe I have had some oddball experiences with it. But I don't know anymore if I believe in angels and demons, God and the devil.

When I was at the church earlier today, I had the thought that maybe I should set the spirituality books aside for a time and read up on forgiveness.

If I am to find the answers I seek, I think maybe I will need to start there.

I saw there was an upgrade to the blog software and it crashed the blog. I was using a custom skin (which I miss, I really don't like this one at all) and I had to fix that. And here we are.

I have a few things to write about, and I will get to those. Just wanted you all to know I haven't gone anywhere.

Hi, Mom. I love yew. :)

I have written a few more articles for publication in the Autism Expert Report. See below:

When Applied to Behavior: A brief commentary on ABA.

Who Was That Masked Man? What do Autism and Superheroes have in common?

I'm Dreaming of a Quiet Christmas: Some ideas to make Christmas easier for your child.

If you are not subscribed to the report, you can still read these articles at my autism support site by clicking the link below:

http://www.neurointegrity.com

I was recently invited to be a contributing author for the new monthly magazine, the Autism Expert Report. I had no idea that anyone anywhere still considered me an expert in the field of autism.

So far I have submitted two articles and I have a third due on the 18th of this month. The two topics I really want to tackle are the Neurodiversity movement and also the self diagnosed. You sure can believe I have things a-plenty to say about both!

But those will have to wait until the magazine gets a following.

In the meantime I have written about my own introduction to autism and also an article on leprosy and the pain of autism.

I'll post the topics of other articles as they are written.

Today I graduated from the Partners class. It was a lot of pomp and circumstance and I really was not that comfortable with it.

We lined up in two lines and they played the graduation music as we filed into the room. Guests and family members clapped and applauded as we filed in to sit on specific chairs that had our names on them. (Somehow it seemed somewhat disprespectful to my own self to sit down on my own name...)

So then they called us up, one by one, and gave us the certificate and then we had to move to the side of the room to be "pinned." I guess you are not an official Partner until you are pinned. That's okay, I like the pin. :)

Then after they called everyone and we had all been pinned, there was a standing ovation. Then, thankfully, the pomp and circumstance was over and it was time to have a little fun. We had a little reception after the ceremony.

So now I am a "Partner"...

There were thirty people at the beginning, only 21 graduated.

Part of me is glad it is over. Part of me is going to miss the classes and the learning.

It was a good experience. :)

Where to begin? *Blink*

It is no secret that I am blessed beyond measure with something most people do not have, which is: FREE TIME. I have been wanting to put that to good use for a while now.

Sooo....

As some of you may know, I have recently been doing research (as in: lots of research, as in: many hours a day research) into the areas of brainwave entrainment and guided imagery. Separate, I believe they would both be a good therapy for autism. However, if there was a way to combine them together (which our current 21st century technology nicely provides, and at a minimal cost!), it could possibly be even better.

One of the many things I have read is that one half hour of your brain in the “theta” state (3 to 8 hz) can be equal to four hours of sleep. Thus, theoretically, if you could place your brain in that state for one half hour or more, then you would need up to four hours less sleep a night.

You would literally have what everyone says they need, which is “more hours in the day.”

So last night, I decided to give this a try. The results were far from what I expected.

A couple of years ago, I purchased a Proteus. Of course right after I got it, I started writing programs for it, one of which is available on my site in the download section. (For those worried, the program has been tested. It is safe to use, and even effective.) But at the end of the day, I found the programming language to be very weak and bare bones. There were things I wanted to do with the Proteus that just didn’t seem possible. I was discouraged by this and set the Proteus aside for a while.

Recently while cleaning house, I came upon it again and began to wonder if there was something out there that would do what I wanted. I searched the net and found this programming language ... which is Proteus compatible.

Despite the high price, I immediately purchased it and started playing around. This came with several program samples that had been testing using an EEG, and a few of those programs put you into Theta for a while.

The downside to using this is you need to interface a CD player directly into the Proteus. This is awkward and cumbersome at best, and means there are three wires to get tangled up, and believe me, they do get tangled!

The upside is this program does everything I want, and so much more, and the possibilities are pretty much endless. Even better, the Proteus is just an option. All you really need is a regular CD player for these programs to work.

So I found a 50 minute program that was Deep Theta, and I hooked everything up, started the program, and relaxed to let it to its thing.

What I didn’t know (and this was purely a matter of inexperience, I am sure) was the PoS $12.00 Wal-Mart brand CD player was not able to keep up with the complex programming embedded on the CD. I had to stop the program before it was finished, 36 minutes into the 50 minute program.

This left my brain in a state of complete disarray. It was like part of it was lagging two or three steps behind. Every time I moved or had a thought, I had to wait while a part of my brain caught up to the other part and the rest of me.

I was in a situation where I was literally out of sync with my own self!

I am now convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that brainwave entrainment is absolutely real, and possibly just a tad dangerous if you don't know what you are doing.

First rule of entrainment: If you start a program, be sure you can see it it through to the bitter end!

The more I research, the more I experiment, the more I learn, the more I do know what I am doing. Practice makes perfect!

When I woke up this morning (and a heck of a time I had getting to sleep!), the problem was still there, though it wasn’t quite as bad. I reasoned that if I wanted to be “back to normal” again (or normal for me, anyway), I was going to have to run the program again, and this time see it through to the end.

Since I had to go to Wal-Mart anyway, I purchased a higher end Sony Walkman CD player while I was there. The first thing I did when I got home was put some batteries in it and wire it up to the Proteus.

This time there were no problems.

When it was over, my head was back to normal. And I felt like I had just woken up, even though I was never asleep! It remains to be seen if I sleep less tonight.

Meanwhile I have been reading some amazing stories related to guided imagery. I had no idea this concept actually had some science behind it. People are being healed of cancer and chronic pain, just by the power of their own mind. (It was the chronic pain aspect that got me interested in this. I am forever searching for a way to deal with my own constant pain. And, being ever the advocate, the autism side is never far from my mind...)

So naturally I got to wondering; what would happen if we made a CD that first placed the brain into the “alpha” state (say … around 14 hz?) then gently brought the volume down on that entrainment to where you could still hear it, but just barely, then over top of this, read a guided imagery script, followed at the end by gently ramping the volume up on the entrainment, taking it to the appropriate place in line with the imagery?

That’s powerful stuff. I don’t think it has ever been done before.

It seems too obvious for no one to have done it by now. I am afraid that I will find some reason why it won’t work and then my bubble will be burst.

Bummer.

But so far I am enjoying the journey and if nothing else, I am getting quite the education.

I have some ideas guided imagery wise for autism therapy I would like to explore. Hopefully I will be able to find people to test some scripts for me along these lines.

By the way...something I have noticed that I find very interesting...

True and clinical guided imagery falls exactly in line with Biblical Scripture. :)

Anyone who may be interested in these technologies, separate or combined, is welcome to join my personal online autism support group, Neurointegrity. This is where I will be doing and posting most of my work with both guided imagery and brainwave entrainment.

More on this later…

When I was on my way home to Columbus for Christmas recently, I brought along some of JoAnn McFatter's CDs that she sent me. I had been feeling a bit guilty that I had not heard them all and what better opportunity to listen than when I am driving for eight hours?

So one that I listened to was Cloud by Day. Here I heard my new favorite JoAnn song. Track 8, Take Me Away. I talked to JoAnn about it later and she told me it was spontaneous. Prophetic worship. One only need hear the transition from track 8 to track 9 to know this is true. ("Surround me......Like a marshmallow.......")

I have a great admiration for my friend JoAnn because she works without a net.

When I wrote Soon Will Come the Light, I was working the same way. I just sat down and wrote. I didn't think, I didn't outline, I had no idea where the book was going or where it would end.

I wrote for the sake of the writing.

I sang for the sake of the song.

It worked.

But then the book was published and all at once I am professional writer. I felt like I had to write like a professional writer. So one thing I did was to start using Storyview 2.0, which gave me a net.

The problem is now that I have a net, I can't write.

This is evident to anyone who's read Light on the Horizon, which was written with an outline.

I have had an idea for a book for a couple of years now that I have been wanting to write. I have tried and tried and tried again to outline it, but it isn't working. I can see the plot in my head, I know how it evolves, but when I try to outline it, I get nowhere.

Yet this is what professional writers do. They outline before they write. But it isn't working for me.

So I am going back to writing to writing without a net.

Stay tuned...

I still have not gone through all the records (there are a lot of them), but still a few things have become very clear to me, the main thing (so far) being the fact that my parents had absolutely nothing to do with how long I was in the hospital.

That was entirely my fault and my responsibility.

Up until recently I had thought that it was something they would have to live with. But now I see that it is something *I* will have to live with.

My mother told me once that she does not recall the hospital ever saying they thought it would be a three week stay. I very clearly remember hearing that...somewhere?

Looking over these records, it seems as though that would have been correct. I get the feeling, reading these, that maybe that was what they had planned, but I was there for so much longer because I was not exactly cooperating with them.

What I see first and foremost in those records is someone who had some serious trust issues. However obvious this was (or wasn't) to the staff, they never really addressed it. Not that I can remember, anyway. They seemed more content to let me ride and wait it out.

It was a looooooooooonnnnnnnnng wait. :(

Another thing that got my attention was my parents account of my history. There is a year and a half between my two older brothers, and a year and a half between myself and my younger sister. Yet there is a longer space between the two sets of children.

I have always wondered about that?

Now I know. :(

There was an "incident" between the births of the second and third child. I can't say anymore than that because I do (of course) need to protect my mother, unless she decides to post a comment about what that incident was.

But it does leave me with one question...

How long after said incident was I conceived, and is it possible that it had something to do with me turning out the way that I did?

Statistics say it should have been Charlie (or even Jim) who had the autism, not me. That doesn't mean it wouldn't have been me anyway, but still I have to wonder?

In the past I have accused my mother of not wanting me. Now I can't do that anymore because I was, to quote the records, "the most wanted of all."

It would take a lot to convince me this is true, but what I have read is pretty doggone good evidence in her favor.

Sorry, Mom.

By the way, Mother (I know you are reading this), in the spirit of fixing this broken relationship, I offer you these records. You and Dad are both welcome to read them. If you would like to see them, let me know and I will send them to you.

If you think you don't need to read them because you already know what they say, you are definitely wrong about that. There are quite a few surprises in them. Some of them are even good surprises.

You'll need a magnifier to read some of them....so have that handy.

Now I have to forgive myself for creating a situation where I had to stay for so long.

I just wish I knew how to do that...?

The good news for my parents is if they were feeling guilty about that, they don't need to anymore. They had nothing to do with how long I was there.

So they can let that go. :)

Since almost the day I moved here to Bedford, my friend Vicki has been after me to "forgive my parents for what they did to me" all those years ago. The "what they did" is an open book (literally), but it wasn't until two years ago on a trip home to Columbus that I realized maybe Vicki was right, and that I haven't yet forgiven them. I thought I had? But maybe not?

I realized, as I was driving home to Bedford after saying a few words at the Brigadier's funeral, that in order for me to truly forgive my parents, I had to know what really happened, what really went on during those three years.

But as the hospital had long since closed down, I figured all records of that time had long since been destroyed.

One day I called anyway, just to find out, and I was told the records were indeed still intact, and that if I wanted them (all 393 pages), all I would have to do to get them would be to shell out exactly $648.26 in processing fees.

It had to be the hardest and toughest decision I have ever made in all of my 42 years.

After actually paying them that much money, and waiting....waiting....waiting, finally my old hospital records came in the mail today.

So far I have looked only at the final year, the year in the day program. There are three easily seen recurring themes:

1. An autistic child who constantly sabotaged any and all efforts to help him, because at the time he wasn't able to trust anyone.

2. Parents who had no clue and a mother who had more than a few issues of her own that needed to be worked out.

3. A team of professionals who clearly did not know what to do to help this family that desperately needed help.

It never occurred to me that some of what was (and no doubt still is) going on in my family was/is due to my mother's relationship with her own mother, as well as my parents dealing with the emotional aftermath of a separate prodigal son. (I get the feeling as I read these records that the staff were never able to quite figure out what that last one was all about...?)

As I read about that person I was twenty some years ago, it was so clear to me what was going on in my head at the time. I don't know if that clarity came by reading the records or if it came by memory of those days, or a combination of both? In all of that final year, there was only one indication, even just one sentence, that gave any indication at all that any of the staff understood me at the time. And certainly, even if they did, they did not at any time give me what it was equally obvious I needed.

Within a few months after I was discharged (apparently for violating a probation, though I do not recall that being the case?), a single girl was able to do more for me in twelve weeks than all these "professionals" were able to do in three years.

The difference between them was Gwendolyn worked her butt off to prove to me I could trust her. No one in the hospital thought that was important enough to do.

Still, I did enjoy reading their thoughts on my relationships with Sharon and Mandy (not to mention the sheer tragedy of Mary Ellen, but we won't go there. Read the book if you are curious). I read about how they couldn't figure out why I was so interested in the comic book super heroes, and I wondered as I read that why they couldn't understand that I was so into that was simply because I could relate to wearing a mask.

But the most interesting parts of those records for me by far were the pages (and many there were, too!) of documents of my parents private therapy sessions. This is obviously information I was never meant to have and things were said and done that I was obviously never meant to know about, though I am not sure it matters almost thirty years after the fact.

As for whether these pages were worth what I paid for them, I would have to say, even though I haven't read even half of them yet, that they are very much worth it because I understand my mother so much better now than I did even a few hours ago.

It was like someone handed me forbidden knowledge. Everything my mother did not (and does not) want me to know about her was there in black and white. I am feeling like maybe I actually know who she is.

I can say the same now also about my father, though to a somewhat lesser degree. There were precious few surprises about him, but it was fun to locate what little there was, scattered about here and there for me to find.

The remaining pages will be much more difficult to read. They have faded with time and they are written in some very bad handwriting. I don't know if I will ever be able to decipher them. I hope I can, though, because I sure did pay enough to get these... And of course I am dying to know they say?

The records written by the psychologist are separate, and I will have to order those later, if I ever do at all. What I have now are records from the staff and social workers.

Some of you may have noticed I set up a section in the gallery for these documents. I don't know if I can post them without revealing stuff about myself and my parents that is best left private.

Maybe I can type in a few quotes here and there in this blog for your amusement and education.

More on this later...

My father has not been doing well. :( Neither has my friend, the Brigadier's wife. So I was thinking about maybe making a surprise trip to Columbus. I wanted to walk into the house on Christmas and surprise my folks. That was the plan, anyway. But as we all know, the best laid plans of mice and men...

So first I had to find a car.

Mine seems to have died of old age after 227,000 miles. That's okay because as I have told people, 227,000 is a good run for a car.

But it left me without a way to get to Ohio. So I made an announcement at the church, asking for a car to take to Columbus. They did come through for me this time.

Thank you, Glen and Yaura.

So now I had a 1995 Mercury Sable to drive to Columbus. I was about half way there, in Kenova, WV, when I went to unlock the door and the key snapped in half right in the lock!

That was the end of the trip. :(

I had no key to get into the car, much less to start it. To make matters worse, I was pretty much stranded a few hundred miles from home in either direction.

Never have I felt so screwed!

I spent over eight hours at that gasoline place trying to figure what to do? I had to pay someone $70.00 to tow my car for about 30 feet on Christmas Eve.

NOT fun.

I was eventually rescued by some friends in Columbus who braved the elements on Christmas Eve to come and fetch me and bring me back to Ohio. While I certainly appreciate the sacrifice (thanks, guys), that also left me without a car, and here I was responsible for another guy's car, and I had to leave it in WV and I had no idea what would happen?

Oh, cruel fate! How you mock me!

Meanwhile, I had been talking to Jennifer. For 17 years I had known this cute girl and had no idea how she felt about me? What took her so damn long to say anything?

She says it is because I am the guy and I am supposed to make the first move. Probably right, but she was so cute that I thought she would want nothing to do with me.

Tired of waiting, she finally said something.

So now I had a third reason to go to Columbus.

I did two of the things I wanted to do. I saw the Brigadier's wife and I surprised my parents on Christmas. I even gave my dad a nice Christmas present.

That only leaves Jennifer, who is currently sitting to my left and watching me write this. So of course I have to be careful what I say. :)

(Insert her laugh here...)

An extra key was overnighted to me and I received it Thursday, two days after Christmas. So Jenn's incredibly oddball family, in two cars (???), took me back to WV to retrieve the vehicle, which, in a wondrous Christmas miracle, seems none the worse for wear.

(Right about now my mother must be cringing at that run on sentence.)

Now that Christmas is over, it is time to explore a relationship, something I have not had much good fortune with in my life as the three rings given back to me will attest to. I still have all of them. Each one is different and each one is beautiful, both of those things are just like the girls who wore them for a time.

I wasn't sure what to think or how I would feel after 17 years but doggone it, I think I like her.

She is still very pretty.

(Insert her "Thank you. You're so sweet" here...)

So far, we have made truffles, and snuggled, and shopped, and snuggled and did I by chance forget to mention that we snuggled?

She is an expert truffleswoman.

And, if I may say so, not a bad snuggler.

She works doing customer service for a mail order pharmacy. I have to feel bad for her, in a way, because of her long commute to work. She works a whoppin' three feet from her bed. The gas prices must be horrendous for her with all that driving to get to work and back.

She has talked about moving to Bedford to be with me, which would definitely convince me she is serious. Of course, if she is able to bring her job with her (a possibility), she may even be the highest paid person in Bedford.

And the best part is she will be my Jennifer. :)

This has been a Christmas to remember.

This experiment is suspended until further notice.

Due to unforeseen bloody side effects.